Saturday, November 05, 2011

rising temper and exasperation

He will probably never know. Not unless he reads this blog which he created for me years ago. Yes, created n that was it. Unless i shove the screen in front of his face, else perhaps nothing I write would interest him. In fact, I'm probably the most boring person on this surface of the Earth for him?

Anyhow, as you can sense, the tension is mounting. Indeed, I'm angry, no, livid. My breath caught in my throat as I felt my heart pounding, and temper rising. I'm controlling, but the result -- my eyes bulged and the veins on my forehead seemed ready to burst! I'm incandescent with rage and am very embittered...turning into an extremely disgruntled wife all because of one person -- HIM! Yes you! you know who you are! As patient and understanding as I try to be, the following events have upset me tremendously:

EDD is tmw n though there's no action, no one's sure when will what come right? Given that these few days are wkends and pH , I was initially thinking it’s a gd thing at least the hub can be around for me and spend some couple time with me. The last few days had been rather busy for him at work, thus I can't complain even if I wanted to. You would think that things could be compensated since it's the wkend. WRONG. so WRONG:

Thursday — I waited till 530pm then he informed that he can’t have dinner with me at his mom’s place. Granted that he has work, but it’s so irresponsible to tell me at the 11th hour n the mom doesn’t even know he wasn’t coming back. Upon reaching home at 840pm, he announced that he wanted to join his friends for soccer at 9pm. I was in immense pain that night. The jabbing and prickling feeling in the V area was rendering me helpless n tears of physical pain was well as emotional pain were rolling down. Yet, he wanted to go ahead. It was not until i was in a very uncomfortable position, pouting and tearing, that he decided to relent n cancel his plans. Why do I even have to go to such extent?

Friday — mil din cook thus he said wana come home cook spaghetti n couple time with me (that was coz I told him we really should make use of the remaining time we have else things will change). Sounds sweet? yes, for a moment i was touched and gave him credit. So yes he came back at 7pm...had dinner with me till 8pm, then a phonecall came n he scooted off with tea with E. This time with my blessings as I thought he was merely having tea at the coffee shop down by our block..However, after few hours, he was not back yet, thus sensing something amiss, I texted him twice. No reply after half an hour! Crucial period, how can he do such a thing right? Finally I called him n he said that they changed venue..went to another kopitiam instead. It was nearby n has prata. For the last two days I’ve been whining that I’ve craving for prata but it din occur to him AT ALL that he could buy for me. I questioned him as to why he didnt reply my text..his excuse was that he was busy playing some stupid iphone chess game with E thus NOT FREE! Freaking hell rite? NOT FREE?...ok fine. So I insisted he come back (that was 11pm aldy btw) with prata. He came back at 1145pm (Singapore isn't that big and it would take only 5mins to walk home from his last place of disembarkation). He said he waited for 10mins for prata n asked for curry but after 5 min no curry, he came home as he was pissed with the seller for making him wait. He couldn’t even have the patience to wait for 5more mins..it’s not coz he was in a hurry to come back mind u. he simply was pissed with the seller! WHAT WAS PRATA WITHOUT CURRY?

Saturday (today) -- He woke up n sat over the breakfast table for 1.5hr again on iphone game. The bane of technology! Am really skeptical about the invention of the iphone! I tried distracting myself by completing my xmas decorations...then later told him if he has the time he'll need to wash the fans...esp the ones in our rm n baby rm. He said Aiya, still got time la..in anycase, he can come home whilst I’m in hosp to wash! I had to nag him like crazy, which drove me nuts, until he started to mop the floor (usually he enjoys doing it)...then as for the fan, he procrastinated until I got so fed up I washed it myself after lunch...over lunch he told me he wanted to go practise golf. U would think I should just chill right? yes I'm trying but I know that time is not at our bidding, plus anything can happen anytime, thus it's crucial to get everything done b4 we think of having fun. Then, after dinner, he said at 11pm he wants to go fren’s house watch soccer. I pouted. N he said I shld go too! Why would I want to go? Num one I dun like soccer. Num 2, 11pm-- if i'm lucky, i should be asleep! I did not want to voice out my grievances as he knew what's going on in my mind. I'm scared shit these few days and yet I've to tolerate such crap. So Off he went n assured me that he was just a call away! FYI he'd take 20mins to get home. N i told him i'd rather call my Dad or an ambulance in that case. it wouldnt be of any difference then. In fact, perhaps taxi uncle would do a better job?

Lastly, he preempted me that he has travel plans in early dec. I asked him: what about full mth? his reply: full mth is calculated base on chinese or English calendar? Lame much?

I try to put myself in his shoes. I understand that with the lil one coming along, friends and work may decelerate. However, who's giving me empathy? We women have our career and social life to balance too. Why do women have to always take the backseat? I would love to, but i'm not a SAHM and neither can I aspire to be one given the financial situation he has. it has been a bittersweet r/s and with the highly anticipated arrival of lil watermelon, although we are both very excited, I'm not quite sure of the future. Skeptical. Worried shit. Right now, I'm flushed with ire and really feel like letting go a torrent of expletives, but for the sake of lil watermelon, i shall hold my piece and simply let my angry bile rise in my throat.

2 comments:

WenniAw said...

You shouldn't stress too much now. Cos after the Bb comes there will be more things to buy etc etc. So I actually think it's imposs to be fully prepared. But make sure there are ppl to help u buy stuff after Bb comes. Also I think daddy will naturally fit into their roles quickly after the kid comes - they can surprise u by turning into the more anxious one - that's what happening now

Siang n Janice said...

I've never expect to be fully prepared. It's not abt the preparation that i'm exasperated, it's the TLC and concern n the pillar of support that's missing which is causing my hormones to run amok. Anyhow, i don't expect much to change (in terms of attitude or amt of effort made) after bb comes.

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