The language of love

A healthy relationship is one that encompasses love, concern and communication. Clearly, certain factors are missing in mine. Communicate more, pretend less -- that's probably what the love guru would say. However, how does one communicate if the other half comes home (mainly to sleep and shower) in the wee hours of the morning and with the other half leaving for work early in the day? Some may say it's due to the pace of life and work, but I beg to defer. Proper planning on a day to day basis is simply the rule of thumb in making things work and showing respect to anyone. I certainly do not appreciate last minute notification and fake make-up lines thereafter. I've seen several couples making it a point to have a date night every wk/ doing things together/ looking forward to a trip to Maldives or Bali at the end of the year. Such things are probably what I need to keep me going. Motivation. It's lacking. This year is especially daunting. Playing mind games is frustrating when he displays blissful indifference. Before you get overly concerned, there are no irreconcilable problems, am just wondering where's that warm fuzzy feeling that can only come from someone special? At the time of writing, he's once again lying in bed, probably dreaming of the leggy girl he met at YOG's closing ceremony. No, the jealous monster isn't creeping up on me. Roving eyes are prevalent and you can't stop men from ogling. Afterall, I ogle and cute men most of the time too! It's been probably more than a month since we had proper meal together, and 8 months since we planned anything like a holiday together. N yet, plans to go globe trotting with friends are in the making. Blame-worthy? Prolly not in his dictionary. No wonder even the mil forgot how i look like when I walked past her one fine morning. To justify, I was dressed no where near a clown. Perhaps I should buy myself another ticket to far-faraway land again to relegate the past to where it belongs. How else can I continue with having this indomitable spirit?

I think I need some form of therapy to heal this psychological scar. Retail therapy don't seem to work these days. Even mum is worried. We don't share all that much, but telepathy tells it all. I've lost my appetite on several occasions and sleep seems to hate me these days. Was thankful that I managed to doze off at 1am before a certain someone ambled back home @ 2, with all lights inconsiderately switched on. Thanks to that, I'm now blogging. Wonder when will the zzz monster visit me again? This is seriously having detrimental effects on health.

Love, at its most glorifying is about total acceptance. I can only hope that one day that certain someone will get round to appreciate me more (show not tell).

What is your language of love? Mine is probably speaking a foreign one.

Loneliness is consuming my mind

Dear Diary,

Not sure why, but I've been feeling melancholic of late. Can't quite point the finger on the exact thing though. Am just going through life robotic-ally and am nowhere near clearing my backlog. The chase is tiring but inevitable. Amid the music and intoxication, I constantly feel my heart stirring quietly. Been immersing myself with work and social gatherings so as to forget the lonesome feeling. Emptiness is scary. Universal longing for love perhaps; or yearning to excel further and to cull the procrastination; exhaustion setting in, or probably just wanting a break from it all. A break to look forward to like old times. Feelings, unlike golf or trigonometry, defy the rule that you can improve on something by expending more effort. I know I've given loads of effort. But... I'm running out of ideas as to how I should intoxicate myself. Am anxiously awaiting for enrollment for my course in September which hopefully would do my portfolio good. Not sure exactly why I'm subjecting myself to more work and stress. Perhaps the fear for loneliness is exponentially consuming my mind. I've been waiting for that special day/ moment when he'd surprise me with a note/ present/ flower/ plan/ a spontaneous decision to go on a date, but I can only silently wait and be the woman behind her man. So cliche. How long has it been? I've lost count. I guess he did to. Life together is slowly sneaking into oblivion. Someone once said " As long as a man has testosterone, he is subjected to its indomitable command." Agree. Schedules seemed to be planned around him, but I'm only updated about his, when a tantrum is thrown. It's getting really tiring and I certainly do not enjoy it. Sacrifices have been made on both ends, but the scale is somewhat tilting towards my end. Why am I so needy, ever pinning for a man to share my life. Despite reaching out, I find myself utterly alone in the end. Weariness is mounting. I try to with-hold my selfish thoughts, but I just want to be pampered and well taken care of.

Is that too much to ask?

Spring Cleaning Jamboree

The wkend has been a horrendously busy one. Was preoccupied with getting the Cervarix jab and collecting my cheongsam which I wore during my wedding 2yrs ago. Sent it for alteration. Been reluctant to try ever since I took it back. It's apparent -- I'm in denial.

Speaking of Cervarix, am utterly pissed with my Gynae who didn't do a good job at educating me. As age catches up, I thought I should do a little "servicing", thus did a full body checkup over December. It's found that I do not have chicken pox immunity (despite having vaccinated twice!), and no Hep B immunity. As such, the gynae (Y from TMC) suggested that I take both vaccines again, together with the cervical cancer vaccine. Naturally, as a layman, I abide her suggestion only to learn from my family doctor that what she had given me was a Hep B and A jab called Twinrix, which was totally unnecessary since the test did not cover Hep A! Apart from that, Cervarix didn't seem to be the popular vaccine used by many. I was told by the gynae that it suited me best. Probably suited her pocket. Call me cynical, but I'm very skeptical over such specialists now. My family doctor wasn't a wee bit pleased as well. Now that the first jab has been taken, I'd need to continue with the same brand for three times. Yup, both Hep B and Cervarix has to be taken three times. The best has yet to come. According to my family doc, the reason for the negative result on chicken pox immunity could be that I'm not even responsive towards the vaccine! NO ONE TOLD ME THAT! N I spent hundreds for two jabs! Imagine the shock I was in! Mouth agape and i was rambling incessantly to sweetie that the gynae wasn't responsible enough to tell me that I could be unresponsive, even for Hep B! Of the two visits, I learnt nothing much from her. Each time she'd say "so dearie, what can i do for u today?".....how would I know what can u do for me? Shouldn't YOU be telling me? especially after being told of the situation?? Simply put, SHE SUX! if it weren't for sweetie, I wouldn't have gone to her. Sweetie golfed with her once u see and we thought we could get a good deal! Well, WRONG! Feel so cannibalised now.

Started the spring cleaning jamboree on Saturday night. First stop -- Study room's shelves. Cleared away a whole lot of papers and reorganized a bit. The whole episode lasted till 4am! Was happy to find new owners for some books. It's an overwhelming loss yet strangely liberating. Looking to recharge and start things afresh however, the will is strong but the mind is weak.

To welcome in the festivity, I put on a few more artsy fartsy touches to the humble abode i call home. Sweetie helped a fair bit and I must say, the end result is extremely satisfactory. This Dandelion picture's placed right in front of the main door such that, you'd be refreshed the moment you step into my home. It's really quite rejuvenating to see the petals "fly".

Apart from the flowers, this self-made "enter" mat will definitely en-amour many. Inspired by the cushions I made a month ago. Am madly pleased with my deft fingers!Just so you remember -- The cushions I made!

Chinese New Year seem to be a chore for many...seems like it's the only time in the year that we seriously give our homes a good spruce. Despite being a rather neat and tidy person, I still find myself busy with chores. There's endless things to do and I'm just not in the mood......Been feeling extremely lethargic of late. Perhaps it's the weather? Perhaps it's me? I'd like to think of it as the "side-effects" of being vaccinated. Afterall, my body is now battling with unknown bacteria. I should rest!!