Pain in the Ass!

Am annoyed. Am madder than a hatter. Just gave mum a call to chat, ended up being irritated.

Her: Ohhh didn't know you would call. thought u have flown.
Me: of coz I'd call...else u'd scold.
Her: I don't know when u are flying...
Me: I told u it's Thurs
Her: ohh Thurs, then why did u call today?
Me: isn't it better that I call earlier? my flight is super early tmw.
Her: ya...sure.....going to enjoy life huh...so rich hor? since your flight is tmw, then u shld call tmw...
Me: ok, i'll call at 5am then.
Her: Suree.....u are welcomed to call anytime. Didn't expect u to call.

For those of u who are wondering why I'm so annoyed, well, let me tell u, the tone of the entire conversation was sarcastic. It may not seem so in writing, but trust me, she's one irritating sicko who can't stand the fact that her daughter is having a good time/ better time than her. As far back as I remember, she has always been comparing. When I tell her I can't sleep till 3am, she'll tell mi she can't sleep the whole night. When I tell her that I work till 10pm, she tells me she works till 11pm and has to do chores when she gets back. Just so you know, she has a choice. She can go home early, but does she? Noooooo..she enjoys wallowing in self pity and being in the limelight of a stage called sympathy. I think it's pathetic. I'm currently engulfed by an overwhelmingly sense of frustration and annoyance. My quest for peace in the family is often defeated by her. She's the catalyst of many quarrels. i try to be more patient as she had a bad past, but why put it upon me? It wasn't me who caused her unhappiness! She's often basking in her own self-pity and honestly I'm sick of it. THis constant pathological struggle between loving and not loving, caring and not caring, has been a tiring feat. Love transcends everything, but in our case, it has failed miserably. I've fulfilled my daughterly-duties, but yet, it's never enough for her. I'm suffocated!

Perhaps if I wasn't having a migraine and very bad backache, this episode would not have been magnified. I'm oddly uptight when it comes to such things, despite my display of bravado.

PS: Did I mention, I had a pain in the butt recently. Literally! Yes, the pain persisted for almost 15-20mins. I could not stand up! Had pins in needles in my left butt cheek! Not sure what's the trigger but I'm quite sure it's not due to the fact that I have fat ass! I quaked in fear as the pain became intolerable. Felt vulnerable and helpless as sweetie was out golfing. There was absolutely no help within an arm's length! Scary episode.

The bomb

I promised myself to update this space, but kept procrastinating as the past few days had been an emotional battle. All these while, I thought I'm a blessed person and bad things won't happen to me or people around me. Well, I'm wrong. Fate is making a mark in my life. First Dad, now sweetie. 2 yrs ago, Daddy was retrenched. It's a terrible period given that I'm the only child. It also doesn't help that Mom is quite a tyrant, always demanding for money for her health supplements and rendezvous with the tai tais. It also doesn't help that the economy is such and the nation discriminates against old but experienced people. It took dad a while before he found a job. Pains me to see him turn so weather-beaten and having to work on a Saturday. So much so, he doesn't even have time to have dinner with me. :-( With my hectic schedule, it's hard to complement our times. Fortunately, Dad's an understanding person who doesn't need me to be there physically. He is often living in solace, totally oblivious to his surroundings, just wanting to be in a state of inertia.

A day after sweetie's bday, the bomb exploded once more. I was dumbfounded and speechless. I let out my sorrow and cried in his embrace. I was hopelessly inarticulate. These days, there's no such thing as insecurity. True enough, the day before, sweetie was just joking about the matter and the next day, it's as if God heard him and grant him his wish. How are we going to plan for the future if the economy and career's so uncertain? How are we gonna pay for the house without any CPF? I'm probably paranoid at this point in time, but I'm one who'd rather look on the dark side and treat the bright side as a bonus. An irrational / rational fear unreasonable crept into my head. After a period of awestruck silence, sweetie assured me that he'd soon find a job and that things would be fine. At times, I'm not sure if he's putting on a front just to give me assurance or he sincerely feels that things are not as bad as it seems...or perhaps, he's taking things too easy and looking fwd to more days of golf!

When my MIL was told, she asked him what's his plans. His reply "Golf more lor"....and she went"So old liao, still don't want to go give birth to 8 or 10 grandkids for me to play with?"..errrrr...........The sudden change or topic has total irrelevancy to the current situation. In fact, given the uncertainty of when the next bread and butter would come, we should not even think of having kids! Plagued by tons of bills, I feel so breathless over my new title -- Sole breadwinner. Was still secretly(ok, it wasn't so secret, i did tell sweetie!) entertaining thoughts of cutting down on work, guess I'm born a bull! THe future is unpredictable just as how we are now. I do have faith that my capable baby will find a job soon and in fact, this may be a blessing in disguise as this job, no doubt is in an MNC and allows him to learn lots, is no match in terms of dollars and cents as compared to his peers in other local firms. No AWS, no Bonus...geez....Also, it might do him good to go out and have a taste of how hard it is to run around doing real work as opposed to having a cushy work-from-home job.

Am supposed to go on a therapeutic retail trip tmw, but now, I'll have to be prudent in spending.